He adopted me to use me, the lady cry out for help
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Well put Paula and Rob. This absolutely happens, just as domestics violence, sexual abuse and gaslighting all happen. No one wants the realization this is going on with their parent (though ultimately it sets one free in an unimaginably beautiful way). Please, anyone who is reading this: these things do happen, make no mistake. Take care of yourself, forgive yourself, this wasn’t your fault. Only when you’re ready should you attempt to explain this to someone (and it’s okay if that time is never). Only after making certain your needs are met will you be able to have compassion for your wounded parent. With loving kindness,
“I wanted her to feel like she was the same as our other kids, but I didn’t want to push it. She does have a mom, and she is lovely. We didn’t want to harm that relationship at all.
Remember the movie, The Breakfast Club. Claire, who’s father gave her those expensive earrings, is a perfect example of Daddy’s Little Girl. She is his surrogate wife. If you need a more current example, just look at Ivanka Trump.
Hey ROB. . . I get it too. . . have had similar life circumstances, and have had good therapy to help me make clear and distinctive boundaries with mom as not to become swallowed by her emotional vortex. I’ve made intentional choices to make friends, spend time with people who are emotionally healthy, engage in activities and interests that are solely mine and not part of her life, and still maintain a level of relationship that has it’s beginnings and endings. I used to be very hostile as I felt held captive by her emotional neediness and seeming manipulative ways of keeping me close to her. I still feel a little misplaced guilt when I choose independence and self care. Mom has had to learn to live with my adult choices. Good luck on your journey my friend!
Stuarts June 2017 comment merits my input. The mistakes my mother made took place in the 1950s. My sister was chosen at the age of 10 to fill in as co-parent while Dad worked in sales where he was away 3-4 days out of the week. Mom was alone in a house in rural Pennsylvania, with six children under the age of 13. She had no car or a license to drive. In addition, the admission of feeling overwhelmed, alone, or burdened with her role as mother, was considered by most to be a character flaw. Professional intervention nearly always resulted in a trip to a sanatarium for electroshock therapy. Get it?
In the early hours of a cold March morning, I sat on my floor, crying and trying unsuccessfully to calm the baby. I decided that I was a failure as a mother. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my baby, and I certainly couldn’t fix it. I was so angry at this innocent little baby that, at times, I didn’t even like him anymore. I wanted to get away from the baby and the relentless crying. I was so desperate, I thought I would try anything.
1. Know your limits. Embarking on the adoption process is exciting, scary, intense and emotional. Most of the children up for adoption have been taken away from their birth parents and come through the care system, having possibly experienced abuse or neglect. You will hear stories that make you cry, and some children will capture your heart. Be honest with yourself – work out what you feel you can offer as parents in terms of a child’s age, sibling groups or any difficulties they may have, and how you will fit as a family.
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